The Parameters of the Prohibitions of Intimacy
גדרי איסורי קרבה
Throughout the entire time that a woman is impure as a nidda, that is, from the time she sees blood until she immerses to become pure, she and her husband are forbidden to have marital relations, as it is stated: “Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness to uncover her nakedness” (Vayikra 18:19). It is likewise stated: “If a man lies with a woman in her infirmity and uncovers her nakedness, he has laid bare her flow and she has exposed the source of her blood – both of them shall be cut off from among their people” (ibid. 20:18).
Not only is intercourse itself forbidden, but so is any touch of desire that leads toward intercourse, such as hugging and kissing. Even touching with the little finger for the sake of such desire is forbidden, as it is stated: “Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness to uncover her nakedness” (ibid. 18:19). According to most poskim, this means that any touch involving the pleasure of desire is forbidden by Torah law (Rambam, Ra’avad, and Sefer Ha-ḥinukh). The Sages made a protective fence around the mitzvot and forbade even touch that involves no pleasure or desire, and they forbade it even through clothing. Some say that only intercourse itself is forbidden by Torah law, while touch without intercourse is forbidden rabbinically (Ramban).¹
As we will learn in the rest of this chapter, the Sages added further safeguards. By observing them, the couple will succeed in overcoming their desire during the days of prohibition, and as a result their love will be refined and become deeper and more faithful, and in the days of purity they will merit to rejoice in the mitzva of ona (marital intimacy) with extra joy.
The Talmud relates (Sanhedrin 37a) that a Christian priest asked Rav Kahana: You say that a man is permitted to be in a closed house with his wife when she is a nidda; “Is it possible for fire to be in flax and not singe it?!” In other words, is it possible for a couple who long for one another to overcome their desire and not sin? He answered him: “The Torah testified about us, ‘hedged about with lilies’ (Shir Ha-shirim 7:3) – that even with a hedge (fence) of lilies they do not break through.” That is, the Jewish people have a wonderful trait: by keeping safeguards as soft as lilies, without police to enforce observance of the mitzvot, they succeed in overcoming their desire and separating from transgression. This is one of the roles of the Sages – to establish fences around the Torah so that the Torah will be upheld among the Jewish people, as it is stated: “You shall keep My charge” (Vayikra 18:30), meaning, make a safeguard and fence for the mitzvot of the Torah (Avot 1:1; Mo’ed Katan 5a; Yevamot 21a). And there is a mitzva for the Jewish people to observe the enactments of the Sages, as it is stated: “You shall act in accordance with the instructions they give you and the ruling they hand down to you; you must not deviate from the verdict that they announce to you either to the right or to the left” (Devarim 17:11).
Notes (1)
- Sifra (on Vayikra 18:19): “‘Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness to uncover her nakedness.’ I only know that he may not uncover; from where do we know that she may not come near? The verse states, ‘do not come near.’ I only know regarding a nidda ‘do not come near’ and ‘do not uncover’; from where do we know that for all forbidden relations, ‘do not come near’ and ‘do not uncover’? The verse states (ibid. 18:6): ‘None of you shall come near…to uncover nakedness. I am the Lord’ – I am faithful to pay reward.” Likewise in Avot De-Rabbi Natan 2: “What is the fence that the Torah made for its words? It says, ‘Do not come near a woman during her period of uncleanness.’ Might one think he may hug her, kiss her, and speak idle words with her? The verse states, ‘do not come near.’ Might one think she may sleep with him in her clothes on the bed? The verse states, ‘do not come near.’” According to many, the prohibition is by Torah law, as Rambam writes (Hilkhot Issurei Bi’ah 21:1): “Anyone who has contact with one of the arayot (forbidden relations) by way of the limbs, or hugs and kisses out of desire and derives pleasure from physical closeness, receives lashes by Torah law.” This is also the view of Ra’avad, Ḥinukh 188, Semag, Orḥot Ḥayim, Me’iri, Ran, Ritva, Tur, and others. This is also the view of SA EH 20:1, and of most Aḥaronim, among them Shakh 157:10 and Beit Shmuel 20:1. But if the touch is through clothing, the prohibition is rabbinic (Maharsham 4:149; Ḥelkat Ya’akov YD 99. According to Levush Sheirad, the view of Beit Shmuel is that even through clothing the prohibition is from the Torah). On the other hand, according to Ramban, Rabbeinu Yeruḥam, Rashbatz, and Ḥelkat Meḥokek 20:1, even the prohibition of touching out of desire is rabbinic, and only intercourse is forbidden by Torah law.