Mourning

This chapter was prepared for a book for traditional Jews that, God willing, I hope to publish in the coming years. Its style therefore differs from the usual style of Peninei Halakha, and even from that of the Likkutim volumes in the Peninei Halakha series. However, on the advice of friends, I have included it in the Likkutim on family matters, since it explains the foundations of the laws of mourning and their reasons.

Death is a loss like no other. Terrible sadness fills the hearts of those close to the deceased, and they try to understand the meaning of the calamity: where has the soul flown, and how can the body of this dear person, who was so alive, suddenly lie lifeless? Questions arise: Why did God not save him from death? Why is there death in the world? And what is the purpose of all this life, when so often the righteous suffer and the wicked prosper? In the face of these great questions, a person is commanded to strengthen himself in the faith that God, in whose hand is the soul of every living thing, guides and judges His world with justice. And although at times we do not understand His ways, we believe with complete faith that all His ways are just and that everything is for the good. For this purpose the Sages instituted that mourners recite the berakha: “Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the universe, the True Judge (Dayan ha-emet).”

The meaning of death: God commanded man not to let evil penetrate him, and in this way he would be able to live without limit, as it is written: “And the Lord God commanded the man, saying: ‘Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat of it, for on the day that you eat of it you shall surely die’” (Bereishit 2:16-17). But Adam and Ḥava ate from the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and were punished, as it is written: “And to Adam He said: ‘Because you listened to the voice of your wife and ate of the tree about which I commanded you, saying, “You shall not eat of it,” cursed is the ground because of you; in sorrow shall you eat of it all the days of your life. Thorns and thistles shall it bring forth for you, and you shall eat the herb of the field. By the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread, until you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for dust you are, and to dust you shall return’” (ibid. 3:17-19). As a result of the sin, man’s punishment was decreed: the evil that had penetrated his body would harm all the systems of his life and gnaw at his flesh until it led to his death. These punishments were intended for man’s benefit and rectification, for without them human beings would be unable to rid themselves of the evil and sin that clung to them. The wicked would continue to do evil without limit, and the strong would oppress the weak and torment them endlessly while pursuing all the world’s desires. Now that there is death, these wicked people eventually die, goodness and relief spread through the world, and their flesh, which sinned with lust and adultery, is consumed by worms. Without death, even the righteous would be terribly frustrated with their lives, for “there is no righteous man on earth who does good and does not sin,” and the sins that clung to them would continue to envelop them, with no way of freeing themselves and being redeemed. Now that there is death in the world, death separates the soul from the body and consumes the sins that clung to the body, and in this way the soul can free itself of them and be purified in Gan Eden. Sometimes this also involves the suffering of Gehinnom, but ultimately the process of purification continues until the soul once again becomes connected to God as at first. “And the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it” (Kohelet 12:7).

Thus death rectifies the sins of humanity as a whole and the sins of each individual, until the rectification of the world is complete and the souls of all people who chose good will rise to their destiny at the end of days, to live again with the renewed body that the Creator will grant them at the Resurrection of the Dead.

This is the faith that should accompany the mourners. Not only must they believe this, but the mourners are required to act in a way that expresses the process of refinement of their relative who has died. In parallel to the burial of his body in the grave and his soul standing before the Heavenly Court, they are commanded to “sit shiva,” to identify with his suffering, and to recall all the good deeds he did; in this way his soul begins to be refined and to shine. The more the relatives of the deceased are aroused to repent and do good deeds, the greater the elevation of his soul. At the end of the process, even if it involves suffering, the soul of everyone who chose good rises to a higher level than it could have reached had Adam not sinned. For the stature of penitents (ba’alei teshuva) is greater than that of the completely righteous who never descended to this world, in which there are trials and sin, and who never struggled with their inclination and prevailed. But human beings who withstood difficult trials and, despite everything, ultimately chose good, merit that after their death their souls are refined in the fires on high, to ascend to infinitely lofty levels in the world of souls, until the world is rectified and they can return to complete life at the Resurrection of the Dead.

All the laws of mourning express acceptance of the Divine judgment, which combines sadness and faith together. The pain is great and terrible, and therefore one must weep over the deceased and grieve for him greatly. On the other hand, it is forbidden to sink into despair, for ultimately this terrible sorrow is meant for rectification and refinement.

Therefore, although there is a great mitzva to mourn the deceased and honor his memory, it is forbidden to grieve and mourn excessively. The Torah likewise commanded that the mourner not wound himself, scratch his flesh, or tear out his hair, for anyone who mourns the dead excessively shows that he does not believe that God guides His world with justice and for the good (Devarim 14:1, Ramban; Rambam, Hilkhot Avoda Zara 12:12-16).